I had my first "Mommywars" (as Elle calls it) encounter recently. I was at an end of tax season work function with Frank. Some of the wives, girlfriends, fiances had congregated in the kitchen and children was the hot topic. Several of them (in the same age range as Frank and I) have children between the ages of 6 - infant. A go around began - the few of us who are married and do not have children started getting grilled about when we want children, why we haven’t tried yet, how many children we want. As the person before me was giving her answers, I started to get nervous. Should I tell them we’re planning to adopt? We haven’t officially announced our plans yet. How would they react? Would they ask why? Should I give them the long explanation? I wanted to avoid a big, lengthy discussion, but I am also proud of our choice and feel excited to share. So, I told them we’re planning to adopt. We want 3-4 children and we are planning to start the process next year. I looked to my left thinking that maybe, just maybe they would move on to the next wife. Nope. The questions began. Some of them were VERY personal questions. I tried my best to answer and the times I was uncomfortable, I simple changed the subject. However, then another interrogation began. One of the wives pointed out that I am going to medical school. They started asking how I would manage a career and being a mother. WTF!?! Are we back in 1870??? They asked if we plan to use daycare or nannies, they told me how those options give developmental and attachment delays - I was starting to get pissed. Then, the topping on the cake…. one of the wives look right at me and said, "Hmm, I just don’t understand women like you. I believe I was put here to be a mother and I think pursuing a career on the side is just self satisfying." OMG I have never been so angry. I didn’t know what to say. I just look at the woman and said, "Well, I was raised to believe that a woman is capable of doing more than just pop out babies. But, you’re right…. maybe we should all just stay home barefoot in the kitchen. I mean, really, being a doctor is such a selfish field of work." And I walked away.
Can you believe that??? I sincerely hope this is not what I have to look forward to when dealing with other mothers for the next upteen years…
Hi there. I came across your blog from a link on Laruen and Marco’s. My DH & I are also in the adoption process (however, quite early on in the process). Just wanted to let you know that my jaw is on the floor over here reading what these women were saying to you! Holy cow!! And I am a stay-at-home-mom! LOL! It’s a sacrifece either way and you have to do what is best for you, because in the end, it is also what is best for your children.
Again, HOLY COW! LOL!!
Comment by JennStar — April 20, 2007 @ 3:16 am
It never ceases to amaze me at how bold people can be on the subject of adoption. We have been asked some really personal and just plain stupid questions since we began our journey. I just keep thinking to myself that they mean well but geez. Hang in there Christen and hopefully in time you will find humor instead of anger in the comments.
Comment by Dede — April 20, 2007 @ 3:41 am
OMG!!! Some people should not be allowed out in public.
By the way, in case you need any reassurance, being a doctor is a great profession for a mom. There are so many options for flexibility with your hours and structuring your schedule, and often you are your own boss, so you can work as much or as little as you want (to a certain extent). Residency will suck (as far as hours go), no matter what, but after that, it really is great!!
Comment by Rachael — April 20, 2007 @ 12:41 pm
I would have to say that is the most classic in the Mommy Wars. Stay-at-home vs. working moms. Eventually some comments become old hat and you have your standard answers.
Comment by elle — April 20, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
Holy crap! It seems knowing someone is adoptiong is permission to say ridiculous things. I am very proud of you for not punching this woman in the face. I was also expecting the “how could you love someone else’s kid” comment. Kudos to you for defending yourself and refraining from violence. Holy crap, I’m sorry you had to hear that stuff.
Comment by annmarie — April 20, 2007 @ 10:49 pm
I’m just speechless. I’ve known many women that felt this way but at least they kept their opinions to themselves. I feel like the best moms are those that are fulfilled and satisfied in their life, whether they stay at home or work outside of the home. Several of my best friends are excellent moms BECAUSE they work outside of the home; they readily admit that they need to get out with adults on a daily basis and would have no patience if they stayed at home everyday. It is a completely personal decision and a family should decide what works for them without having to listen to ignorant comments from others.
I’ve gotta say I LOVED your answer!
Comment by Allison — April 23, 2007 @ 3:39 pm
That is amazing that someone said that to you. That is really rude and self righteous. From my perspective- the kids who seem to do the best are ones who have parents who set high standards by being great examples. There are a lot of SAHM on welfare with new bedmates every night- drugs around. These are the kids to be worried about. I plan on putting Pineapple in care when we move to Korea so I can finish my schooling and get a job. I think it has been helpful for her to be home with me for the first few months, but I don’t think it is necessary forever.
Comment by jeneflower — April 23, 2007 @ 4:03 pm
I just found your blog recently. I am impressed with how you handled it. You really had an amazing comeback. I always think of those things 5 minutes after the conversation is over…”Man, I should have said that.”
Just know that most people are very supportive. I have only come across a couple of assholes. Most people are great about it and only want to learn more. Or they know someone who has adopted or are adopting themselves.
Comment by Melissa — May 6, 2007 @ 10:25 am