In the last month, Frank and I have learned of three couples we know who are getting divorced. My reaction to this: shock, fear, anger!
Okay so we all know the couples that are suited for each other, fight in public, are totally incompatible and we never thought were a good match, but…. once your friends get married you support their marriage and hope for the best. After time goes by, you assume you were wrong and rejoice in their successes as a couple. When they decide to get divorced, you feel terrible for them, frightened that marriage is so easily crumbled and, surprisingly, I feel just plain old. I never thought I was old enough to have friends getting divorced.
Two of the three couples are getting divorced because of infidelity. One was the wife, one was the husband. So the theory of men being pigs goes out the window. (No offense to any men reading this, but that is honestly what most women think when they hear someone cheated.) I thought to myself, how could you do that to your spouse? How could you come home and crawl in bed with your partner/friend/lover and lie to their face? One of those people even went so far as to be intimate with his wife for over a month, while he was being intimate with another woman. Gross. I can’t even imagine how terrible my good friend is feeling right now. I am so disappointed and angry for her. Most of all, I am angry because this has shattered my naive, idealism that marriage is for eternity and indestructible. (even though both of us have divorces in our families - for some reason, I thought it wouldn’t happen to anyone I know that is our age.)
I worry that my generation of fast food, celebrity obsession, immediate gratification and endless choices of Starbucks and quick internet are going to only make the divorce rate worse. I mean what do they think that people are like Starbucks, if you don’t like what you got - just order something else? I fear that the divorce rate is going to be higher than the reported 50% very soon. Considering that our friends have all only been married for five years at the longest and already three sets of them are getting divorced, that is not good odds for the percentages to get any better in the near future.
I am completely confident that Frank and I will never fall victim to these circumstances, but how dare you make me (even for the slightest moment) doubt my marriage, or marriage in general?
The whole thing is just sad.
two of my sisters and a couple of friends have been through divorce too. yes, it is very sad.
my husband and i got married very young, normally i think would not bode well, but we got both got lucky and chose well in our young, carefree states!
(13 years! geez, I feel old saying that!)
Comment by Rachael — January 24, 2008 @ 9:16 pm
I’m new to your web page (read your comment on elle’s page)…so, forgive me for butting in. I just am passionate about the topic, and like your writing so far
I find it really sad and get angered by couples I know that split also, especially considering I’m just hitting my one year anniversary with my husband. But, it’s a subject I know well because I teach psychology courses in a university (and have divorce in my family). The stats say that the highest rates are before 7-10 years of marriage (and especially high when kids are involved unfortunately). The key seems to be making each other a priority. If you both are taking an interest in each other’s out side of home events (work, friends, etc.), and actively try at your relationship, it all usually goes as planned. We have a date day each week to make sure we don’t fall into a routine and keep focusing on each other.
Comment by Diana — January 24, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
We’re going through the same thing. Just recently we found out that our very good friends are getting divorced. It has completely shaken me to a ridiculous degree. I mean, we went on vacation with them and our children last year and I thought everything was wonderful. Now I’m scared it’s going to get ugly and we’re going to be forced to “choose sides” and I absolutely don’t want to do that. But even more than that, they got married right before us, have two children like us, and we have so much in common. Not that I doubt my marriage in the least; it actually has gotten stronger the longer we’ve been married. Sorry I’m rambling, but this topic is a hot issue for me.
As for your comments on my blog, yes the CHI Russia boy is our little S. He was so little then! And also, email me privately and I’ll give you the low-down on details of our current adoption. I can’t find your email anywhere.
Comment by Allison — January 25, 2008 @ 8:31 pm
I’m with you on the whole infidelity issue! I find it incredibly GROSS that a person male or female can be intimate with someone else and his/her spouse during the same timeframe! It is sickening to the core.
I find divorce a bit ground shaking. My parents divorced after 45 years of marriage. Dad passed away 2 weeks ago, and let me tell you it was HARD on my mom!!! Divorce stinks! It adds all kinds of negative emotions to life!
Sounds like Diana has some great advice!
Comment by deana — January 26, 2008 @ 12:57 am
The state of marriages, these days, is really is sad. When we had not been married long, my immediate family was almost torn apart by this very thing (not me & N, but someone else in my immediate family). It was terribly devastating. It was someone that - I had always believed to have a strong marriage, etc. Also, a year ago, same story, different people in Nathan’s family.
Anyway, with the help of a counselor & some excellent books (and lots of work), so much hurt has been mended in both my & Nathan’s families.
But both situations gave Nathan & I a wakeup call. I had always had the same attitude as you - it WILL NOT happen to us. But as I witnessed, first hand, if we are not careful, it could!
Anyway, when the first situation happened, we got our hands on an excellent book called, “His Needs, Her Needs: Affair-Proofing Your Marriage.” We scoffed at the idea of reading this…afterall, OUR marriage would always be strong. But at the insistence of my family member (this is getting laborious, talking in non-specifics - sorry), Nathan & I both read it. Mostly to appease this family member.
But, OMG, we are glad we did. Not only was our marriage strong to begin with, we now can make absolute certain that we are doing what we need to be doing in order to keep it completely “affair proof”!! We still read parts of it (if not the whole book) occasionally, if we feel the need…just to remember what marriage & “meeting essential needs” is all about!! Sometimes the reminder is nice.
Anyway…I just wanted to chime in here & say that I’m completely with you!! And to give you an idea for a good, easy read (as if you probably need anything else? haha). Not only might it give you & Frank strength…but it could very well help you in helping your friends.
Email me, if I’ve been totally confusing (I looked for your email, but totally can’t locate it right now)!
Comment by Melissa B. — January 30, 2008 @ 3:38 pm